Learning to Fly - Ch21

We are approaching the end of LtF; I anticipate 2-3 chapters more, along with a future take for the boys. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews you have left me thus far. I apologise for not responding to all, but please be reassured that I appreciate each one.

Thanks to my beta, mxpi1970 and my pre reader, Jasper1863Hale.

As always, all characters created and owned by Stephenie Meyer.

~xxXxx~

CHAPTER 21

EPOV

I knew it.

Lauren’s confession sealed my fate by confirming to me, once and for all, that I was the catalyst for this whole mess. Her breakdown, the fear and worry I could see in her parents’ faces... all were exacerbated by her having met me.

In that moment, Lauren weeping in her mother’s arms and Carlisle kneading Esme’s shoulders, I wished that Emmett were here. I suddenly felt alone, having no one to support me through this time of trial, for that is exactly how it felt in that moment – that I was the one on  trial.

Lauren had slept with this boy as an act of desperation to win me back. I had had no idea she relied on me this badly, that she had needed me by her side just to function in her everyday life. How could I have known? She had never let on that she was having difficulties at school or with friends; in fact, until the night in McCarty’s bar, I had had no idea she was being bullied. The only time I had ever seen her cry was the day I ended it with her, and surely tears at a breakup were normal, to be expected where feelings were involved.

Was I wrong? Had I missed something crucial in her behaviour? Was there some clue that should have tipped me off that she was wavering, poised on the edge of the cliff without a parachute? The question that formed in my mind then was the one that disturbed me most - if I had known, would I have felt obliged to stand by her, help and support her, forsaking my own wants and needs? Perhaps we would have been happy; I wouldn’t have known the love of Carlisle and perhaps, just perhaps, I could have ignored the immense pull I had felt to him if he had been introduced as Lauren’s father.

My fingers scraped through my hair distractedly.

Could I have lived a lie for the sake of someone who depended on me emotionally? Or would I, in the end, have still broken her heart rather than stay in a relationship that didn’t fit, that in fact starved my soul instead of feeding it?  

Could I have denied my true self?

Clearing my throat, I mumbled something under my breath about getting some air, turning for the door without raising my eyes. As my hand touched the handle, I heard Carlisle’s soft voice.

“Edward?”

I paused before wrenching open the door and taking my leave.

~xxXxx~

Once outside, I paced for a few moments, unsure of what to do next.

Hailing a cab, I gave the address to the driver and slumped back in the seat, the buildings passing blurrily as I gazed at nothing. When he pulled up at the house, I handed him the money in silence, wanting nothing more than to find some peace and isolation, somewhere to try and gather my thoughts and try to see where the path was leading me.

I walked through to the kitchen, fetching myself a glass of water while I tried to hold it all together. I felt the guilt of Lauren’s situation keenly; the baby wasn’t mine, but its reason for existing could be attributed to me. I kneaded my aching forehead, the pressure building behind my eyes.

I needed to lie down for a moment. Then I could take stock and work out what to do next.

Stretching out on the couch, I closed my eyes, letting the scent of Carlisle’s cologne drift from the cushions to my nose. Only this time, instead of relaxing me, I felt guilt gnaw at my gut, a roiling wave of nausea hitting me at the thought of what I had caused. My mind raced, refusing my attempts to slow it down. I tried to breathe deeply, to concentrate on each inhalation to calm myself; the end result instead was hyperventilation and the warning signs of a panic attack.

Emmett. I need to talk to Emmett.

That was a good idea; Emmett was the voice of reason. He would know what I should do. Trying to formulate a coherent plan of action, I made my way upstairs and mechanically packed a bag.

Dropping the bag by the door, I went in search of pen and paper.

This was best; best for everyone.

He was worth the sacrifice to me. After all, if you cut out a cancer, the wound can heal.

It didn’t matter that my own world would splinter irreparably.

Sitting down, I scratched out a note to the love of my life to say it was over.

~xxXxx~

CPOV

 I watched Esme hold a wide eyed Lauren as she sobbed it all out - the lies, the delusions, and the self-deceit. I could do nothing to help her as the sheer agony of her own emotional conflict rose to the surface, erupting in a fit of screaming hysteria before she sagged in her mother’s arms, all fight finally draining away and leaving behind little more than a husk of the girl she had been.

No wonder Edward had to get out.

I was so grateful to him. It was his perseverance that had finally got us here, to this place of honesty and truth. Her words must have hurt him, and I wasn’t surprised that he needed some air; the whole episode had been mentally draining for all concerned.

As Lauren quieted in her mother’s arms, I spoke softly.

“I’m going to go arrange the sonogram, sweetheart, so we can arrange your checkups and health regimen. I’ll be back in a moment.”

I heard Esme shush her unnecessarily, muttering soothing words I couldn’t quite make out. I left the claustrophobic room and stepped out into the familiar, organised chaos of the E.R. Locating Doug, I succinctly explained my need for a sonogram machine, and he rang though to maternity. While I waited, I stepped out the double doors to get some air, hoping to find Edward in the parking lot. Gazing around, however, I realised that he was nowhere to be seen.

I checked my phone, sure there would be a message; nothing.

I knew Edward was a grown man and could take care of himself, but a part of me worried. If he had felt the need to leave the hospital grounds, the only option was by cab as I had my car keys in my pocket; his absence suggested he was having more than a little trouble dealing with today’s revelations. Despite wanting desperately to go after him, I had no definite idea of where he was headed, and there was no way I could leave my daughter and Esme here alone to deal with all of this upset.

I called his phone but it went straight to voicemail.

“Edward, it’s me. Call me when you get this? Just let me know if you’re at home or wherever. I love you.”

Turning back, I sent him a silent plea.

Forgive me, love, but I have to stay. I’ll be home as soon as I can. It’s going to be okay.

And with that, I headed wearily through the pitted, battle-scarred doors.

I opened the door to Lauren’s room to see that my girls hadn’t moved since I left. Esme looked up as I entered, and I tried in vain to smile, my face too tight.

She spoke quietly.

“Did you find him?”

So astute.

I shook my head.

“Doug is arranging a sonogram machine to be brought down.” I kept my voice low, trying to mask my anxiety. “Has she said anything more?” I nodded to Lauren who was clinging to Esme.

“The boy’s name is Alec. By all accounts, she wasn’t forced into anything; in fact from what she says, it was all her idea. But then she blocked out the fact that it wasn’t Edward she was with.”

I walked around behind her and kissed my daughter’s dishevelled hair through the protective cage of her mother’s embrace. Esme continued to rock her as she had night after night, all those years ago when she was a squalling, colicky newborn.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.” Her voice was cracked and forlorn.

“It’s going to be okay, sweetheart. We’re going to make you better; Daddy is going to make sure of it.”

She fell silent once again, her sniffles the only indicator that she was even awake.

The door opened and a gynae nurse appeared pushing a rattling trolley bearing the sonogram equipment. I vaguely recognised her from around the hospital, her red, curly hair hard to forget. Her name badge gave her name as ‘Kym’. She was kind, but brooked no nonsense. I guessed she had seen more than her fair share of pregnant teenage girls. I was having trouble coming to terms with the fact that my daughter was one of them.

Esme persuaded Lauren to lie back, and Kym squirted some gel onto the slight swell of her stomach.

“So let’s see how far along you are, my lovely...”

Lauren’s shoulders started to shake again as tears spilled down onto the pillow.

~xxXxx~

It was late afternoon by the time Esme and I left the hospital. Lauren had been admitted to the psych ward pending an evaluation, and they had told us to go home as there was nothing more we could do there. They would notify us as soon as they had news.

I took Esme home, reassuring her again that Lauren was in the best possible hands, and then I headed home to Edward to tell him the news.

Pulling into the driveway, I jumped out of the car and made my way inside. The door was locked which concerned me as Edward only locked it if he planned on sleeping. Shucking off my jacket, I glanced in the living room before climbing the stairs to our bedroom.

“Edward? Are you okay? I tried calling...”

As soon as I walked into the room I could see he wasn’t there. More alarming still was the open closet door and drawer. Some of his clothes were gone. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I cursed when I dropped it in my haste to call him. Trying again, my hands shaking, I dialled his number and listened again as it went straight to voicemail.

“Edward, please call me. I need to see you. Where are you?”

I ended the call, knowing how desperate my voice had sounded. I paced the room for a moment before making a decision. Catching a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, I saw how washed out I was - my face looked like it had aged ten years in a few hours. I cupped my hands under the warm water and splashed my face, repeating the action twice more before patting myself dry. Walking back into the bedroom, I saw the rumpled bed we had left so quickly that morning, the day dawning with so much promise and hope. Straightening my tousled hair, I headed down to grab a drink before I headed out to McCarty’s where I hoped I would find him.

My eye caught a letter lying on the hallway carpet that I had missed in my haste to see Edward. Intending to put it aside for later, I noticed the tidy, unfamiliar handwriting; despite my haste, I slit the envelope and pulled out two sheets of cream writing paper covered in neat script, addressed to me.

When I unfolded the heavy paper and saw the name signed at the bottom, I walked through into the sitting room and sat down.

It was from Edward’s mother.

‘Dear Carlisle,

It is after much deliberation that I am writing this letter.

As you doubtless know, I love my only son with all that I am. When he told me of his new relationship, I confess to being shocked and, to my shame, saddened. I want my son to have a marriage and children of his own, and I am selfish enough to want grandchildren – I admit that.

You do not fit the image I envisaged for my darling boy when he was growing up. Not least because you are a man, but also that you are so many years his senior. However, we have already discussed this in person and at great length, and I have no wish to go over old ground here.

My son is stubborn, in case you hadn’t noticed; my discomfort will worry him even though he won’t allow it to influence him in any way. If I told him to end things with you for my sake, he would refuse, but be racked with guilt at the same time for not doing what I asked.

 I want my son to be happy – it is my number one priority. From what I have witnessed, even though it is still so early in your partnership, he is happier than I have ever seen him; I would go so far as to say he is content. So, after much soul searching, I have come to the decision that his needs must outweigh my own doubts. I have to trust that his choices are the right ones for him, but rest assured I will be there to support him if this relationship fails.

For the plain and simple reason that I cannot bear the idea of causing him stress at such a happy time in his life, I am giving you both my blessing.

All I ask is that you make my son happy, and that you love and support him through good times and bad; we both know that he will do the same for you as he has already demonstrated.

Welcome to the family, Carlisle. I wish the two of you many years of happiness together.

My love to you both,

Elizabeth Masen.’

I read the letter twice, relief washing over me at her carefully chosen words. I knew that I would never be exactly what she wanted, but she was willing to bend for Edward’s sake, and so was I. Edward was the most important part of our mutual worlds and we both wanted to make him happy, no matter what.

Folding up the letter, I stowed it safely in the envelope, intent on showing it to Edward as soon as possible. Standing up, my eye caught something white resting against our photo on the piano top. When I saw my name, panic set in.

Snatching up the note, I read it through, my eyes skimming the words over and over. I shook my head at the obvious pain behind the hastily scribbled message.

Oh Edward, don’t do this to us. Not now.

Scooping up my car keys, I strode to the door.

I had to find him.

~xxXxx~

EPOV

My heart was heavy as I drove slowly to Emmett’s, the only place I could think of to go. I didn’t know what I was going to say when I got there, but I knew he’d take me in regardless.

The drive was short and uneventful, focused as I was solely on the road ahead and not my aching heart. 

Driving around the side of Emmett’s place, I saw his car was missing; parking the Volvo, I walked around to the door and let myself in, calling to make sure I didn’t startle him accidentally. 

There was no response.

Making my way to the lounge room, I sank into a leather chair, my head in my hands.

I was so ashamed of my part in this whole debacle. The base line was that a girl was pregnant because of a drunken mistake she made out of utter desperation to win me back. There was no way I could ever make this right now; how could Carlisle ever look at me again with love in his eyes after this? He and Esme would look at the child and always see a constant reminder of a bad time in their lives. They needed to be left alone to close ranks for support; if I stayed I would always be the person who instigated this chain of events – the man who dumped an unstable girl when she needed his help.

I could feel the guilt pressing down on me, crushing me. I couldn’t allow myself to think of the future now that I no longer had one worth a dime. My life would be no more than work and sleep, a repetitive, mind numbing cycle to prevent me from thinking too hard.

Thoughts of sleep only served to remind me that I would be sleeping alone again, and my fragile plan crumbled as I succumbed to the tears that been threatening to spill since leaving the hospital. Uncontrollable heaving, gasping sobs tore from my chest and echoed around the empty, lonely room; the setting a perfect metaphor for my life without Carlisle. Having finally tasted true happiness, felt the reassurance of its warm, secure embrace, the pain of its loss was all the more excruciating.

I sobbed until I had no more tears to give; pulling my knees up, I settled into the softness of the leather chair intending to let my weary mind wander down empty pathways and dead end alleys. Instead, emotional exhaustion won out and I fell asleep.

~xxXxx~

I woke suddenly to the sound of Emmett.

“Edward? What the hell...?”

I lifted my head and inadvertently showed him my blotchy, swollen face.

“Dude – you look like shit. Talk to me.” He sat down on a footstool, his hands on his knees.

I wiped my face with the heels of my hands, feeling the dried tear tracks on my cheeks, the puffiness of my eyes. Beautiful.

In a monotone, I explained the whole sorry mess, hearing his sharp intake of breath when I told him I had left Carlisle.

“You’ve left him? Without even talking it through? Edward, come on – you have to give him a chance. You don’t know what he wants or what he’s feeling right now. Yes, I admit there’s a chance he may want you out of the picture, after all his future has just veered wildly off-course, but you know that in his mind you feature in it, no matter what.”

I shook my head vehemently.

“He’s too good for me, Emm. I don’t deserve him and this just proves it. If I’d never met his daughter...”

He cut me off.

“It’s too late for ‘ifs’, Edward. A few short weeks ago, you sat here with me as your memory returned and you remembered your time with him. I knew from that day forward that nothing would stop you two being together – he was all you wanted then and nothing has changed. Running away isn’t the answer.”

“I’m not running away. I have a job here and a car to finish paying for. I just need somewhere to crash until I can find a new apartment. It needs to be a clean break so we can both move on; I’ll make the trip to get my stuff as soon as I can, then it’ll be over and done. I don’t want to prolong this if at all possible.”

He shook his head, jumping to his feet.

“You know, for a smart guy you can be so dumb.”

I frowned at his words. He raised an eyebrow.

“Do what you want, but I’m calling the doc.” I opened my mouth to protest, but he waved a finger to shut me up. “Why do you care? He’s happy you’re gone, right? Hell, he’s probably ecstatic to have his house back to himself. Let’s ask him, shall we?”

He picked up the phone and dialled. He might as well have held a knife to my gut, his words echoing my own fears. I couldn’t sit and listen to Carlisle say it, couldn’t listen to my fears come to fruition.

I was a coward and I wanted to run like one.

Emmett hung up the phone with a sigh after the tenth ring.

“No answer. He must still be at the hospital. Look, Edward, why don’t you go home and wait for him? Face him and tell him how you feel. Don’t throw it all away unless you’re 100% sure it can’t be saved. I get where you’re coming from, and I can see how bad you feel, but you’re forgetting one thing:  Carlisle loves you, and that’s not something you can just turn off on a whim. I’ve seen you two together; you’re soulmates in every sense of the word. I’m hopeful that one day even your mom will see that. Don’t cause the doc more pain - he already has enough to deal with. Are you listening to me?”

I wiped fresh tears away, my head aching under the strain. My voice was little more than a whisper.

“Okay, I’ll go. But if I’m right and he tells me to go, can I come back here?”

He looked at me long and hard.

“Dude, go home and work it out. Or you can be the one explaining to Rosie why you’re sleeping in her soon-to-be walk-in closet.”

The sound of the doorbell made us both jump.

Rosalie.

~xxXxx~

CPOV

Parking outside Emmett’s home, I killed the engine, looking for Edward’s car but not seeing it anywhere in the vicinity. He hadn’t been at the bar, and none of the staff had seen him.

Taking a moment, I prepared myself for the likelihood that he wasn’t here either. Wherever he was hiding, I was willing to guess that he was punishing himself for all of this when there was no way on earth he could have known what Lauren would do. I sighed. If her own parents didn’t see, how could he?

I loved my daughter so very much and having to have her admitted to psychiatric care was a new blow. Had we failed as parents, Esme and I? How did we not see her pain, her struggle? 

I breathed deeply, remembering the last time I had chased Edward across town to sort out a Lauren-induced crisis. I also remembered how well that night had ended and allowed the thought to buoy my confidence a little.

One thing I knew for sure – I could not, would not, lose Edward through all of this.

His love made me a better man. I just hoped he believed me.

Right now, I just hoped I could find him.

Clutching Elizabeth’s letter, I climbed out of the Mercedes and walked up to the door.

Emmett opened it, looking surprised.

“I’ve been calling you.”

My heart banged against my ribs painfully.

“Is he here?”

He nodded, lowering his voice.

“Found him here when I got home. He’s in a state; I was trying to get him to go home and talk to you.”

“Too late – I already read his note.”

Emmett looked confused. “Note? What note?”

I smiled humourlessly.

“He ended our relationship with a note. He said that he was leaving so that our family could heal and move on without his ‘destructive influence’. His words.”

“Idiot.” The word was uttered so quietly I barely caught it. He opened the door wider and beckoned me inside. “Go talk to him – please. He won’t listen to me.”

He ushered me through the hallway and pointed to a closed door.

“In there.”

Gathering my strength, I grasped the handle and opened the door. A familiar voice came from the armchair.

“Was it Rosalie?”

“No, Edward.”

I heard him gasp in shock; clearly I was the last person he expected.

“What are you doing here?”

His voice was thick, the sound of tears evident. I fought to keep my voice steady.

“I’ve come to ask you to reconsider your decision. I want you to take me back.”

“No.” His voice was determined.

“Will you at least look at me? Please?”

“I’ve made my decision. You’re all better off without me causing more upset in Lauren’s life. You’re going to have enough to deal with. I’m just glad she’s going to get the help she needs now.”

“Yes, she will. They’re keeping her in for psychiatric analysis. We won’t be able to see her for a few days until they’ve spent some time with her. Then we’ll know what treatment they recommend.”

“I’m so sorry...”

“For what? For breaking up with her? Relationships end all the time. No one could have known what was going on in her head to make her react that way.” I sighed heavily. “Esme and I feel guilty enough for not seeing the signs. She’s told us everything now; her grades have been slipping because of bullying at school which she hid from us and her teachers. She was terrified she’d fail her exams because of it, and the worry caused her more stress. Losing you added to it, I can’t lie about that. It appears that she leaned on you for support far more than any of us realised, and losing that strength had an adverse effect.”

I heard his breathing catch and ached to comfort him.

“But, then there’s me. She felt she’d lost my love too. She thought she had to compete with you for my attentions or else she’d be forgotten. And that is all my fault; I didn’t show her how important she is to me. And once she knew about us... well, she wouldn’t speak to me at all. I’m hoping that we can move past this unpleasantness now, and become a family again.”

“I’m glad. That’s all I wanted for you.”

“You’re a part of that family, Edward.”

He didn’t answer and I pressed on, hoping I was getting through to him.

“Edward... do you love me?”

Now I could hear his almost silent sobs, tiny noises escaping as he struggled to hold in the sound and maintain some semblance of control. I circled around the chair, seeing him at last. Crouching before him, I saw his face was contorted with tears; his eyes were reddened and wretched as if all hope were lost. The vulnerability I saw in their depths broke my heart.

I asked again. “Do you love me?”

He nodded, his voice hitching and catching as he spoke.

“You... know... I do.”

“And I love you. Now, can we please go home and put all of this behind us? Just draw a line in the sand?”

I saw how badly he wanted to, but something was still stopping him.

“What... about... the baby?” His words were raspy, his face pained.

“Oh yes, the baby.” I reached out and rubbed my thumb across his cheek. “The human body is a wonderful machine, perfectly designed in some ways, so badly designed in others. Lauren felt a great deal of self induced guilt over what she did with Alec - the boy at the party - so she blocked it out. But she had nightmares about getting pregnant, her mind rewriting the events into the worst case scenario so that, in the end, her stressed-out body just started to believe her fears and reacted accordingly.”

He stared at me.

“She’s not pregnant, Edward. The sonogram confirmed it. It’s a false pregnancy; she’s going to be fine.”

And then I took him in my arms and held him tightly to me, letting out a sigh of contentment when I felt his own arms tighten around me in return.

“Don’t ever leave me again, Edward, I don’t think I could stand it.”

As he murmured ‘I’m sorry’ over and over, I pulled back a fraction and kissed away his salty tears before finding his lips at last.

When we broke apart, I remembered the letter.

“I got something in the mail today. It’s from your mom.”

“Mom? She said she was sending something. What does she say?”

“Well, you can read it for yourself, but basically.... she’s given us her blessing.”

His eyes widened. “Seriously?”

I smiled. “I don’t know what Esme and Emmett said to her, but I think we owe them big time.”

The smile he gave me made me glad to be alive.

“Take me home?”

I nuzzled his nose with my own.

“Yes, my love.”

~xxXxx~